


We got issues

by Whis



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23043253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whis/pseuds/Whis
Summary: Once upon a time, Eddie's jealousy has been the hottest thing for Buck. But at some point, it went from sexy and exciting to annoying and then to something else that Buck didn’t fully understand.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 221





	We got issues

**Author's Note:**

  * For [diazevan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diazevan/gifts).



> PROMPT: in a fight, buck says something like 'MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER THEN'. Everything stops, no one moves. Forever and Always sounds in the background by  
> diazevan  
> and thanks to my fantastic beta @meloingly

Once upon a time, Eddie's jealousy has been the hottest thing for Buck, he actually used to his advantage, first to push him into doing something to cross the invisible line that has once separated their friendship and the something more. It didn't work, but they crossed the line nevertheless, and at the beginning, Eddie's jealousy was the perfect ingredient for some unforgettable sex

But at some point, it went from sexy and exciting to annoying and then to something else that Buck didn’t fully understand.

There was a limit to how many times he could hear Eddie talking about Buck 1.0 and being rude to some random woman just because they smiled at him

He could ignore it when it was directed to the pizza guy, when it was a comment, a side-eye, a or a short grip of his wrist, even if it had been strong enough to imprint Eddie’s finger on his skin. 

He couldn’t ignore the bad feeling in his guts, the bad tastes in his mouth, the voice in his head 

* * *

It’s an obnoxious voice, a voice from his past he has missed so much.

“THUUUUUUUUUUNDERRRRRRRRRRRRRR” he yells, and Buck feels himself getting ready for action. The last time he heard that name was a day he rather forgets, but he would never forget the man yelling that name, no that he wants to.

He turns around immediately seeking his friend, his partner in crime, his blood brother. 

He isn’t too far, looking at him with that open toothy smile that hides so well what kind of man he can be when they need him to be. He is still wearing military hairstyle, still walking with the same confidence. He is handsome in a not obvious way, with big dark eyes, light hair and tan skin, he was all about contradictions and edges hidden by the softness of his gaze, his smile and his open, inviting arms

“León” he breathes before he melts into the embrace of his old friend, his protector. He is just so happy he is here, alive, in the same town, in his station that he doesn’t see the way that Eddie is looking at them, the way his mouths curve in an unpleasant way or his eyes roll when Buck and León start talking about old times, how he doesn’t say anything when they move to the kitchen where the rest of the team is and they start talking about the old days and a lot of other things.

If Buck had done so, he could have prepared himself.

It not too long until León has to leave, hugging Buck and asking him to have some quality time together, to have a drink or spar the next day. And Buck was about to answer with an enthusiastic hell yeah when he is cut off by Eddie

“He can’t, we have plans” he says, and perhaps, if that has been all, Buck could have ignored it. Perhaps if it hadn’t been León, a man who literally saved his life and his mind more than once and Buck loved like a brother, he would have gotten over it. Probably would have done so if León himself hadn’t fixed his most threatening gaze on Eddie when he saw the possessive arm grabbing his best friend. Buck wanted to disregard León concerns and Eddie’s stupidity, but the thing is that he was tired. 

“What the heck Eddie? What is your fucking problem?” he growls getting away from Eddie hold. His boyfriend blinks, looking at him with a mixture of confusion and disbelieve. It’s the first time Buck calls him out, on anything. He has been too worried, too afraid, too insecure of his place after the lawsuit and all the drama that followed through and he had been avoiding any kind of discussion. But this was the last straw, he just couldn’t bear with Eddie’s jealousy anymore

“We have plans…” he lies, and he knows he is lying, but he expects Buck to follow the lead and that is something the blonde doesn’t want to do.

“No we don’t… You are… Being… Stupid…”

“Stupid?”

“Yes, stupid, along with a lot of other things… He is one of my best friends, he is like my big brother”

“He is not looking at you as a brother” Eddie cuts him off with that voice he uses to be intimidating and threatening. He has never used it with Buck, not even when they had the fight in the grocery, and yet, here he was, and that was what Buck had been fearing for a long time. He can see Bobby and León taking a protective stance, but Buck doesn’t want that, he can fight his own battles thank you very much, so he raises his hand as a way of saying them to stay away

“He is not, but if he does, what is the problem? Don’t you trust me?”

Eddie’s silence is deafening, it’s everything that Buck needs to know. He closes his eyes to keep his tears at bay, he knows what he should do, needs to do, has to do. It doesn’t mean he likes it

“Maybe we shouldn’t be together then” he murmurs, loud enough that Eddie and everybody else can hear him. Everything stops, no one moves. Forever and Always sounds in the background, although Buck doesn’t know where it’s coming from, probably his own head, 

And then, before anybody can say anything, the bell rings with the worst and best timing of the world.

Bobby clears his throat, and when he says “Perhaps you two should take the rest of the day off” Buck doesn’t complain, he just nods and allows León to take him away.

* * *

Eddie looks at the space that Buck’s has left vacant. He should be there. Instead, there is air and emptiness, and Eddie doesn’t know too well what to do with that.

He feels the paternal, caring hand on his shoulder, and it’s weird because Bobby is all those things with Buck no with him, Eddie has his own father, who is caring and loving as well, but he is not there, and shit, perhaps he does need Bobby after all.

He can feel the pain arising in his chest, the sob building in his throat that will never escape because Eddie knows how to keep his feelings in check.

“You should go home, Eddie” Bobby’s voice is full of patience and concern when he tells those words, and Eddie hates it, loathes how it makes him feel thankful and needy.

“I’m fine” he lies “I can do the job”

“That is an order Eddie” the older man says with more steadiness, sending Eddie into the spiral he has been trying to avoid since the moment Buck left -left him behind as Eddie knew he would do the moment he realized Eddie wasn’t enough, would never be enough.

He can’t go home, to an empty house, too silent, too still. A day alone at home means a day with nothing else to do that think and wonder and imagine. His mind will create all kinds of scenarios, each one more hurtful than the previous one… He just can’t.

“You can’t send me home, I can do the job” Eddie begs, but Bobby and the team are already running, they don’t have time for Eddie and his problems.

They are gone in a blink of his eyes, but Eddie doesn’t move. Perhaps he can’t go with them, it doesn’t mean he can’t stay and go to the gym

There is where the team finds him. He is a mess, sweaty and bone-tired, but he has kept his mind blank and that has been the only thing that mattered, what he needed.

Bobby looks at him without hiding his disappointment and concern, but Eddie is pretty sure the man has been feeling like that from the moment his discussion with Buck started, probably since the street fighting. 

The captain walks towards him while the rest of the team makes a beeline to the loft.

“I told you to go home” 

“I don’t need to go home… Bobby, there is nobody at home, I don’t want to…” he allows himself that moment of vulnerability and honesty, he is well aware it’s the only way to change Bobby’s mind.

“Eddie, I don’t think you are…”

“Look, I’m fine, we are going to fix things” he lies, to Bobby and himself, because he needs to believe that and hold onto the hope and the denial, even if it’s foolish. 

He wasn’t expecting Bobby’s response

“I don’t think so”

“Sorry?”

“Buck is right… This jealousy thing has gone out of control, you have to do something. You can’t keep treating him like that… ,I won’t allow it Eddie”

The brunette opens and closes his mouth dumbfounded. They always joked about Buck being Bobby’s favorite, but now that he has Bobby’s fatherly overprotective nature against him, he has to remind himself that Bobby is just being, well, a concerned father, and Eddie can sympathize with that. It hurts though, because Bobby is trying to protect Buck of him, and that is something that Eddie never thought would be possible. And it’s his fault. 

He has known for a while, he has seen Buck’s expressions every time his jealousy came to play, the annoyance, the worry, even the fear… The fear has broken his heart every time, but it hasn’t been enough to make him seek help. And perhaps -probably- he needs that help.

“Bobby, you can’t send me home…”

“You know what? You are right, I can’t force you to go home, I can’t even force you to do the light tasks just because you broke up with your boyfriend, but I can do all those things and more because you were involved in street-fighting and failed to inform your superiors about physical issues that could have affected negatively your job… And that goes without mentioning you almost killed a guy”

Eddie flinches, he can’t believe Bobby, he can’t believe Bobby would do that. His captain must have read his thoughts because the next thing he knows is that Bobby has his hand on his shoulder and he is back to his caring self

“Look Eddie, I don’t want to do that, but I’m the captain, I’m responsible of everything that this team does or don’t do, and I don’t want you or anyone else for that matter, to be put in danger because your head is not in the game”

Eddie takes a deep breath, he knows that Bobby is right, but he believes he will able to do the job, he has to, because otherwise, he will have to face the real world sooner than he wants to

“Bobby, I promise you, I have my mind on my game. I’m a soldier, I’ve been trained to have my head in the game under any circumstance”

Which is true, but it doesn’t change the fact that sometimes all the training in the world isn’t enough. He is confident though and allows his mask to fall so Bobby can see it.

It works, the captain nods, and Eddie readies himself to do his job.

  
  


* * *

“I’m sorry,” Buck says once the are in the safety of his friend’s jeep. León is looking at him with a guarded expression that Buck has always hated. It means he will stay quiet until Buck bares his very soul to the man and shatters into millions of tiny pieces. Then León will pick the pieces and rebuild a new Buck that will be a little bit less human, a little bit darker.

It’s the fucked up part of their friendship. The other man has always seen him as some kind of personal project, and whereas that has worked wonderfully when they were in the camp trying to get into the SEALS, Buck is quite sure it won’t be a good thing here, in the real world -or the fake world, with its foolish sense of safety and security “don’t do that León, I’m not a kid anymore”

The man just directs him a bemused smirk, and Buck shakes his head. This is not what he wants, he won’t make this into something about him, or about him and León. That is another story he has never wanted to analyze too deep. He looks at his hands, deciding there and then that he won’t speak, he won’t open that door to his manipulative friend.

He is not surprised when León sighs and breaks the silence, and Buck knows it means that he has decided that this time, he won’t play the part of the puppet master, he will be just the friend and the shoulder to lean on, and for that, Buck is grateful

“Was that a common issue?”

“Which part, me breaking up with him or he acting like a possessive bastard”

“Both I guess”

“Yes to the possessive bastard”

There is an oppressive silence that lasts a beat too long until León talks with that voice that never leaves space to the reply

“Then you did the right thing”

“Why does it feel wrong then,” Buck asks after another heavy silence, trying to keep a hold of the turmoil inside his head

“Because you love him, you love him more than you love yourself, but it never should be like that Buck, you deserve better”

Buck doesn’t have an answer for that. He knows he is right, but he is also wrong, he has to, because he feels like he is being terribly selfish and unconsidering.

“Want to spar, burn some of the frustration” León asks after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence.

Buck nods. It sounds fucking fantastic

  
  


* * *

  
  


Things don’t solve themselves overnight. More than two months later they are still a broken couple and a pair of messes.

Well, Buck doesn’t think Eddie looks that bad.

Buck took a week off after the breakup, left the city and went for a short hiking trip with León. When he got back, he was expecting Eddie to do something to get him back, if anything else, as a friend.

Instead of that, Eddie was the perfect coworker, all professionalism, cold smiles and polite words. It was worse than the cold shoulder he got after the lawsuit. A cold shoulder meant he cared enough to be mad.

At the beginning, Buck believed that Eddie was trying to protect himself, but it didn’t take long for his old insecurities to show their ugly head.

Around the third week, he decided if Eddie wanted professionalism, he would get professionalism, more than he bargained for.

Two months later, the distance between them was bigger than ever, and as a result, Buck and Christopher’s own relationship was suffering their consequences. It wasn’t Eddie’s fault, it was Buck’s, because every time that he talked to Christopher the kid asked him about Eddie, and Buck just wasn’t ready to answer those questions. It’s not that he cuts the kid out of his life, he could never do that, he loves him too much, but he feels uncomfortable around Chris in a way that never happened before.

Then, it’s Eddie who takes a break. For Buck, it’s Abby all over again, even worse because Eddie takes with him Christopher and the promise of a family that Buck has hoped to get someday. Everybody tells him that Eddie will be back, it’s just a week with his family in Texas, but Buck mourns the lost nevertheless. Better late than never.

He had been hiding from reality for a long time.

Logically, he knows he did the right thing, Bobby and León have been adamant about it. But Buck feels he abandoned Eddie and Chris, that they could have worked through Eddie’s issues, and perhaps Buck’s too, because he wasn’t perfect.  He has always been a flirt, and although it doesn’t justify Eddie’s actions, it does remind him that he has a pathological need for affection and appreciation. 

“Perhaps it’s my fault” he tells Hen one day, when he needed to talk with somebody who wouldn’t jump to attack Eddie as soon as Buck opened his mouth. So far, Hen has been carefully neutral, and that day, he needed that. They both are alone on the couch, as Bobby and Chim were cooking breakfast and Eddie is still in Texas.

“What do you mean Buckaroo” there is something in Hen’s voice and demeanor that makes him feel that perhaps Hen wasn’t so neutral after all, but she was willing to listen, and that was enough at the moment.

“I mean… I did flirt with people, a lot of people.” Hen just tilts her head and smiles at him. There isn’t judgement, and it’s such a relief.   
“Buck, there is nothing wrong in flirting with people, unless you did more…”

“No, I never… “

“Okay, I just hope you know, that even if you cheated on him, you did nothing to guarantee Eddie’s response…”

“Logically, I know that… But…” he shrugs, feeling helpless and lost. He just hopes Hen can understand him without needing words.

“Feelings aren’t always logical” she supplies with that smile of hers that is always so full of patience and kindness. It never fails to make him feel better

“I just… I think I should have stopped, it was hurting him so I should have stopped” Hen simply nods, as if she was expecting that, and perhaps, it should hurt, but she is still looking at him without judgment in her eyes, and Buck can only appreciate how she knows him so well, and always accepts all his faults, almost embraces them

“You knew it was hurting him” it’s a statement of fact, not a question, she knew all along, and yet she is here, ready to help him

“Well, there were the comments, and the looks…” he murmurs, feeling small and guilty, answering the question that was never done

“And that time he grabbed you to drag you away from that chick” she reminds him as if she were telling him his grocery list so he doesn’t forget anything

“Yeah… But Hen…I didn’t stop”

“Can I ask you why?” 

“I don’t know…” he lies, suddenly feeling all the shame and fear he has been keeping at bay with a lot of denial and physical exercise.

“Are you sure that you don’t know? Because I think you do”

“Hen…” he tries to cut her off, as he doesn’t believe he is ready to hear all the hard truths that Hen is undoubtedly about to deliver. But Hen isn’t having it, and she just ignores him.

“Buck, flirting isn’t a bad thing, and you are right, it doesn’t justify Eddie's reactions. And yeah, perhaps you could have stopped, or you both could have spoken about it instead of just bottling up everything… But Buck, I don’t think those things matter”

“They don’t?” 

“No Buck… The true problem here is that you have this tendency to base your value in the way that other people see you and having people lusting after you is a big part of that, and an easy way of getting the validation you need. And until you don’t fix that, you will never be able of having a healthy relationship, and you won’t fix things with Eddie”

“You think we are going to fix things?”

“Of course you will, you are each other lobster”

Buck groans, he always liked Chandler and Monica better. 

He didn’t want to find love, he wanted to make it.

* * *

After his conversation with Hen, Buck decided that therapy was in order. It was the easiest, and at the same time, the hardest solution to his problems.

So he started going to the therapist of the department who wasn’t treating Eddie and Maddie.

_ One step at the time. _

He thought about Eddie and Christopher every day. He missed them deeply, but he knew it was a closed-door. He left them, and that was something that Eddie wouldn’t forgive or forget, not for a second time.

Of course, his therapist disagreed. He always repeated the same: “ _ you didn’t leave them, you took your time to get what you needed and you deserve that” _

Buck wasn’t sure what to think of his therapist, he seemed to be the only person in the world who thought that Buck did the right thing with the lawsuit.

_ “If you were wrong they wouldn’t have offered that amount of money, they wanted to settle because they knew they would lose.” _

Buck knew his therapist wanted to make him feel more confident, and ultimately, that was the goal, but it was strange to have his feelings and thoughts validated with logical arguments.

He was dumbfounded when Bobby agreed with the therapist, right before he apologized. That was a very unexpected outcome, not that it wasn’t a welcomed one. And as good as it felt, it was confusing for Buck to have people telling him that he was right and he didn’t fuck up things, that they did. 

_ “When was the last time somebody apologized to you?” _

Buck didn’t know the answer to that. Well, sure, people apologize for a lot of things just to be polite, but when it comes to things that matter, Buck can’t remember the last time somebody did that.

It was always him.

He was the one who always fucked it up.

_ “Can you put examples for that?” _

Buck could, then the therapist started to break down every example with lots of logical questions that, in the end, had Buck more confused and hopeful than ever. 

Perhaps he didn’t fuk up all the time. Perhaps, sometimes it was the other way around.

_ “Finally,”  _ León said one day they were talking about life and death after a heavy session of sparring. He said it as if he wasn’t responsible for some of those negative thoughts that always plagued Buck

He must have read his mind because next thing Buck knows is that León is telling him 

“Look, Buck, I know I haven’t been the best friend you could ever have. I pushed you to do things you didn’t want to do because I thought it would be the best for you, and when you rebelled, I wasn’t the most understanding person in the world. And you didn’t deserve any of that. You didn’t fail me, kid, you could never do that”

Buck doesn’t know what to say to that. His relationship with León has always been complicated. His friend was always one step ahead, leading along one path that Buck wanted to follow but wasn’t entirely sure it was the one for him. It made things weird because León seemed to expect him to be there.

León left and things were still a little bit weird between them. But he was still a good friend, somebody who got him in a way that nobody did. He had seen a side of him that nobody else had, and he had embraced that side. The same day that León left, Eddie got back. He looked fine, he had put some weight on him, probably thanks to a mixture of his mom and his sisters cooking, and Buck tried to stop wondering if Eddie would have invited him if they had been together.

He is back just in time for Bobby’s birthday, and there is no way that Buck can skip that. He’ll have to suck it up and be outside the job with Eddie. It will be the first time, and it’s hard to keep the nerves at bay, but he does, for Bobby and for the team.

The party is at Bobby's house. Everybody is there, everybody with their partners and their kids, and it reminds Buck he is alone once again. 

He is relieved to see that Eddie only has Christopher with him. 

Everybody is having fun at the party, and Buck tries to stay away from Eddie, he focuses on the kids, they are easy and fun and they don’t make him feel like there is a big exposed wound on his skin and he can’t reach it.

Christopher doesn’t leave his side and Buck doesn’t complain, he tries to be there for the kid, and it turns out it’s very easy for him to fall in the routine, after all he loved that kid before he loved his father.

The kid talks and talks and Buck is just happy with the chattering, with having Christopher there and the sound of his voice, happy and carefree. Until his words hit him like a ton of bricks

“So now I get to play with Denny on Thursday because daddy needs more days to talk with his doctor so he can get better to get back with you… And we go to the park and they have this slice that is huge….”

Buck is sure he is making a perfect impersonation of fish out of the water. He is dumbfounded. Eddie is going to therapy for him? That can’t be right. Christopher must be wrong, Eddie has been going to the therapist for almost a year. 

He shakes his head and tries to convince himself. Eddie is not going to therapy for him, he doesn’t care about him, he barely speaks to him outside the job. 

As if to contradict his thoughts, Eddie walks towards him with a shy smile but determined to speak with him, Buck can already read that expression of him that is all fake bravado and stubbornness.

“Hey Buck” he says, to which Buck answers with a nod, he doesn’t know too well what to say. But suddenly, in the middle of Bobby’s backyard, he can see his nervousness, his uncertainty, how insecure he really is. It reminds him of the day he asked Buck out of the first time. It’s nice to see him affected by this thing going on with them, even if it’s not the same as it was that day. Buck can’t find in himself to feel hope or anything like that, there is only the weirdness and the fear.

Buck smiles, because he doesn’t want to be a complete asshole, but it doesn’t seem to work as Eddie deflates in front of his eyes. He wishes he had the words in him to make everything right, but if something he has learned from all the ordeal is to be a little less eager and a little more proud.

Eddie just nods silently and reaches out to Christopher. They are gone two seconds later, and Buck is left alone in a backyard full of people.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Buck’s silence hurts like a knife tearing him open.

He is trying to do so many things at the same time. He promised himself he wouldn’t reach out to him unless he was done.

But looking at Buck outside the job for the first time in an eternity has messed up all his carefully laid out plan.

He was beautiful, playing with the kids, with that wide smile and sparkling eyes, so full of joy and free of care.

He had to get close, even if he got nothing from it.

Buck has smiled, and that should be a win, but the lack of words has gutted him. Luckily for him, the party was already done, they have eaten and Bobby has blown up the candles, he could go. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about Buck. He had put even more muscles on him, he was more tanned, and he knew because Hen had told him, he had spent time with his friend. He knew Buck loved climbing and hiking, the man was a ball of energy plus an adrenaline junkie, of course, he did. But Eddie was a single father of a kid with CP, those were a kind of outing he couldn’t engage. It had been one of the many things that made him fear that Buck would get bored of him.

He was a boring guy with a boring life, and yes, Buck seemed to love the movies night and the walks on the beach, but Eddie always thought it was a matter of time before he left him for someone who could do all those things..

He has been furious when he’s heard about Buck and León’s activities, but he was able to control himself without beating the man to a pulp, and his therapist said it was a victory.

Yeah, the bar was that low.

Then Chimney told him the story about those two and how there was no reason to feel threatened by a man that was more like a brother than a friend, someone who Buck never saw in that way. Not to mention that León was married and had two kids.

Still, Eddie didn’t fully believe the story. It had been a relief when Buck showed up alone, without his friend on his six.

And now, he is on his way home, and just can’t stop thinking about Buck, and before he knows it, he is taking a hard turn to the other side of his house.

* * *

Buck’s door is still the same dark, imposing thing that always makes him wonder what the hell is he doing here. 

He knocks in the way that he always uses to signal it’s him and waits, praying to god Buck is at home and opens the door.

His prayers are answered and he is confronted with Buck. He looks in disbelief, his hair is a mess of curls he wants to grab and his eyes are their usual shade of blue and red that he gets when he is trying to sleep. He looks adorable and the longing that Eddie is feeling at the sight is leaving him breathless

“What are you doing here Eddie?” Buck asks without heat behind, just curiosity and perhaps a little bit of hope. At least, Eddie prays he is reading Buck right. As it turns out, it seems he is not as good as he thought he was.

“I think we need to talk” he answers, to what Buck nods and opens the door wider so he can get in

“Do you want something, a beer…”

“No, Buck, I just need to say this, just let me talk”

He frowns, it’s obvious he is unhappy with this, but he makes a gesture with his hand, like a bow, and even though Eddie doesn’t miss the sarcasm, he is glad that he is allowed to say what he needs

“I’m sorry… I’ve been a shitty boyfriend, and before that, I was a shitty friend. I never had put your feelings into consideration and I was always ready to believe the worst about you. And it’s not fair because you are a good person. But yeah, you were right, I didn’t trust you”

The way that Buck looks at him breaks his heart. He is so disappointed and so hurt, and Eddie can’t blame him, but when Buck takes a step towards the door, he knows he has to rush this conversation, he needs to keep forward and fix it because if he allows Buck to open that door, he won’t be able to get him back “but it’s not your fault, it’s mine… It’s because of me”

Buck snorts and takes a new step, so Eddie does the only thing that occurs to him, he puts himself between the door and Buck so now the younger man is forced to talk with him

“Eddie, get out”, there is a warning there that takes Eddie by surprise. Buck’s voice is low and threatening, and it does sound as if he is trying to keep a hold of himself.

“Buck please… I didn’t trust you because you are so beautiful, and good, and…. sooner or later, you have to realize you deserve so much better than me, I don’t deserve you and you’ll realize that and you’ll leave me… Well, you already did”

“That is bullshit…”

“I know Buck, but I couldn’t help myself okay…”

“Oh, that is rich”

“Look, I know I’m a bastard and I don’t deserve you… I’m possessive and jealous and I should trust you, but I’m afraid Buck”

“And because you were afraid you treated my like an object, as someone without voice or vote in my own life”

“Everybody leaves me…”

“Yeah well, welcome to my world, Eddie!”

“I’m going to therapy”

“I know, and I am going to therapy too… But everything you just said… Eddie, it hurts. You have been ignoring me for months”

“I wanted to be better before I spoke with you”

“That is so stupid Eddie… You are not gonna be better with a couple of talks”

“I know Buck, but I’m learning… I just want a chance, to show you that I’m trying, please Buck”

But Buck doesn’t answer. There are tears welling in his eyes, and he looks devastated and lost, but Eddie doesn’t have the answers either, he is as lost as Buck, and perhaps, that is the problem, they really can’t help each other if they don’t know how to help themselves.

“We need time” and Buck nods.

They can finally agree on something.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Things were better. They could talk, and although it wasn’t the same as it once was, it was a start.

They were far from being best friends though, but they are talking, so they are in a middle ground that is new and unknown, but not necessarily good. 

Eddie wants to skip all the steps and just get to the finish line, he needs Buck at his side, in his home, his bed and his life. But Buck is determined to wait and Eddie has to wonder if he will ever change the status.

There are people hitting on them, and Buck reacts with the usual mixture of jealousy and sadness he always gets. But Eddie tries to control it, he tries hard, and he is victorious, but he can see the way that Buck looks at him, at his reactions, the way he sees through his act of faking smiles while clenching teeth and fists.

It’s some random day, nothing special had happened, when Eddie can’t hold it anymore and he has to talk, if nothing else, to remind Buck he is still there, still in love, still waiting, and it’s Buck that’s in control here. They are alone in the locker-room, getting ready to start a new day, and Eddie knows his timing suck, but Buck is there, playing with the hem of his t-shirt, and he knows he is about to put that collection of new muscles in display, and Eddie will be hit with the realization he is allowed to watch but he can’t touch. The hunger and the longing are too big for his soul, and he doesn’t think he will be able to contain them longer.

“I’m trying Buck”

“I know,” he says with so much sadness and resignation. Eddie doesn’t know what it means for him, for them, but he needs to find out.

“Then, why can’t you…”

“I don’t know”, he sounds broken, on the verge of tears, which is a place that Buck doesn’t visit very often. He might wear his heart on his sleeves, but he is a man of action above everything else, so he doesn’t stop to be sad, he does things, anything, to keep going, but never stops to grieve, he never allows his tears to go beyond the edge of his eyelashes. But Eddie can see a tear running down his cheek, and that scares him more than anything “I’m going to therapy too, and I just don’t know why I am… So afraid”

The confession shatters Eddie’s heart in a way that very few things have done. He doesn’t know what to say without begging, without yelling that he is afraid too but they might stop feeling that way if they are together- if they know that they have each other.

But Buck grabs his things and leaves, and Eddie is once again left behind with that bad feeling in his guts.

The day keeps going, call after call, exhausting as usual, but it’s not one of those days that seem to drag out their very souls. 

And then the last call happens.

It doesn’t sound like something terrible, there is a fire, but it’s a small one.

Buck and Eddie are on the second floor. According to the family, everybody is already out, but they have to check nevertheless. And as they were expecting, nobody was there. By that point, the house it’s a hell of fire and debris, walls and floor rattling around them. Somebody would say that the house is crying for its own destruction.

They are almost out, wanting nothing more than to get out the heat and the smoke when Eddie hears something, a whine or a groan. It’s soft, and hard to determine the origin, he can’t possibly know if it’s human or an animal, but it’s a living being, and he can’t leave it behind. Buck is already with a leg out the window and it doesn’t seem like he has heard anything.

Eddie just nods and waits for Buck to get out before he gets back to the inferno that the house has become.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Eddie was behind him. Buck knew that much. And then, he wasn’t

It’s not the first time one of them goes back to the house without telling the other, which is stupid and reckless and Buck will tell him so once Eddie is out 

_ If he gets out _

Buck closes his eyes willing that terrible voice to shut the fuck up, because that is not an option, Eddie is going to get out and Buck will have the chance to do…

_ To do what? _

Bobby keeps calling Eddie through the radio, but there is no answer. It’s the longest 3 minutes of Buck’s life until his best friend shows up in the window again. 

He is a mess of dust and ashes, lipping towards them with something in his arms and Buck wants to run to him and run away at the same time. He feels trapped, glued to the asphalt under his feet and too overwhelmed with feelings.

Eddie had no right to do what he did. Running into burning buildings alone fueled by some reckless, impulsive impulse is Buck’s job. Eddie’s job is to wait outside, safe and sound until Buck gets out or whatever. Eddie can’t exchange their roles just because and without warning, it’s unfair and Buck can’t breathe. He wants to stay still and ignore everything within him begging him to run towards Eddie and kiss him senseless until he understands.

Everything is a blur of activity and loud voices until they are in the truck and silence settles among the team

A cat. Eddie put his life in danger for a cat. And yes, Buck has done the same thing more than one time, but it’s not the same, because Buck doesn’t have a kid and Eddie would get over Buck and whatever happens to him, but Buck wouldn’t if Eddie was the one dying.

He can’t live without Eddie.

And yet, he is not in his life either, and suddenly, that reality hurts more than anything. Eddie could have died that day and the gap that they created would have still been there.

He knows he is the one holding all the power here, Eddie has made that much clear. And it has him paralyzed with want and dread. 

Eddie won’t wait forever, and neither will Buck. And yet, he wants to stay in this in-between land he has been inhabiting since he decided to break up their relationship.

He has to decide between fixing it or moving on.

Buck can feel Eddie’s eyes on him, but he is good at ignoring things, including Eddie, even though it’s the hardest.

He is able to wait for a couple of hours until their shift is over and then he is on Eddie’s porch waiting for him to open the door

It’s a nerve-wracking moment, even after he hears Chris’s crutches sounding at the other side and his enthusiasm at seeing that it was Buck.

Once Eddie opens, Christopher is hugging his legs before Buck can react, with the same enthusiasm he always uses for everything Buck related, and it makes him feel loved in the purest way. Eddie is silent, watching the scene with the same fond look he reserves for the both of them. There is a soft smile on his face and hopeful look in his eyes, and Buck wishes it stays that way after they have a talk. Because they have to, and so he tells Eddie, who adopts a neutral expression right away.

Buck is nervous, he can’t stop making all the ticks he knows he makes whenever he feels uncertain and unsure. He barely registers Eddie asking Christopher to go play to his room, and the disappointed, confused look in his youngish face.

“I love you, that much hasn’t changed” Buck starts trying to keep his voice steady.

“But… I can feel a but coming” Eddie points out, and isn’t he right? Buck wishes there wasn’t, but they need to acknowledges all the buts and obstacles in their relationship before they decide their future.

“Please Eddie, let me finish, I need to say this”. Eddie nods, reluctant and resigned and Buck decides he needs to hurry up, if nothing else because he hates to see Eddie look so defeated. “I’m a flirt” he admits like an alcoholic in an AAA reunion admitting who they are “and it doesn’t justify anything, but I’m a flirt and I base all my confidence and self-esteem in my looks and having people lust after me, and that isn’t healthy, so I’m working on that… But here's the thing Eddie, I like meeting people, I like to have fun and make good friends, I love hearing new stories coming from random people and learning about new cultures and their adventures… I just love people… And I don’t want to second-guess myself every time I say hi to the pizza guy just because I don’t want you to have a bad time, I want to go to a bar and be able to speak with that guy in the bar nursing a bourbon because I know there is a story there, and I also know there won’t be a story between that guy and me because I only want to hear his story. But I can live without those things. What I don’t want to give up is my friends and my freedom. I don’t want you to act as if you have the right to dictate the way I spend my days and with whom. León is one of my best friends and I’d love if you could get to know him, I would love to explain to you our story because I know once you’d hear it, you wouldn’t be jealous at all. But also, I have a friend who actually has a crush on me, but I don’t feel the same, so yes, they might look at me as if they want to fuck me, but I’ll ignore them so I’d hope you would ignore them… Because at the end of the day, Eddie, you are the only person I want to be with, the only person I love, but I can’t be with you if you don’t believe me. You need to trust me on this, I have your back and that includes keeping your heart safe and sound… And I need you to say something, anything, right now because I don’t have any more speech prepared… so, say something”

Eddie has been listening to him, intensely, Buck has seen all kind of emotions crossing his handsome features, and yet he doesn’t know what to expect from him, he can’t even make an educated guess.

Finally, after what it feels like an eternity, but was just a couple of seconds, Eddie reaches for his hand and talks.

“I love you too Buck, I can’t live without you, and I hate myself for making you feel like you had to… be so careful around me… Perhaps you are a flirt and oblivious, but it doesn’t justify my actions. you asked me if I trusted you, and I do, but I don’t trust… life... I guess… I don’t get to have nice things…”

“Eddie…” Buck tries to cut him off, but Eddie stops him with a gesture of his hand and keeps talking

“I know it’s stupid, and it’s not true, but it’s how I feel, after Shannon… I, I have a lot of issues and I took them on you and I feel so low… I’m sure you deserve so much better than me…”

“That is not true” Buck interrupts, outrage written all over his face and gestures “you are the best thing that ever happened to me”

“But all the things you said”

“Yes, you have issues, and I have issues too, and we need to work on them, but we can do it together, remember, you have my back and I have yours…”

“Does that mean…”

“I would love to be with you, if you’d have me, that is”

Eddie doesn’t answer, he just jumps the gap between them and kisses him with all the feelings he has been bottling up for so long. Buck feels the same, and can’t believe that one single kiss can pack so much love, longing, sadness, rage, and lust. They talk with their tongues, mouths, and teeth, hands roaming their bodies full of hungry, thirst and fury. 

It's not fixed, not by a long shot. They still have to talk and resolve a lot of things. 

Kisses don’t solve everything, but they’re a start made of desire and love.

Buck feels positive for the first time in a long while, now that they are together and they have each other back.


End file.
